Cash Me Out

My kids have almost driven me to the brink this weekend.  I started the weekend by tying one on with my friend, Julie and her cousin, Lisa and a bunch of their friends.  We did a bar “triathalon” in some little towns southeast of the Twin Cities and ultimately ended up at a “supper club” called Wiederholt’s in Miesville, Minnesota.  They had to explain the supper club concept to me, which was that these places used to be all swanky back in the 50’s and 60’s but are now kind of just older, cheesy, vinyl booth kind of places, but still have really great food.  I said, oh yeah, in western Kansas we just call those “restaurants.”  So anyway, after copious amounts of alcohol, including tequila, I was not prepared Saturday morning to deal with bratty kids for the entire weekend.

Basically the cycle was:  David would taunt Cameron about something (“You aren’t tall enough to ride the Fairly Odd Coaster at Nickelodeon Universe.”  “Yes I AM!”  “No you’re not.”  “Yes I am!”), then Cameron would start to cry.  Then David would tell him to shut up then Cameron would throw the first punch and then David would retaliate with excessive and unnecessary force, Cameron would REALLY cry, I would stop whatever I was doing to shout at David to stop tormenting his brother, David would mouth off to me and try to argue that Cameron started it, and I would issue threats of various punishments.  Then they would make up for a short period of time in which they would engage in throwing a football in the house, aggravating Justin, making up songs about poop, wrestling, and innumerable other loud, physical, and annoying activities.

This was repeated about six times between the hours of 7:00 am and 11:00 am.  When David bit Cameron and then hid in his room, I dragged him upstairs on a cleaning jihad.  Then I threw them all outside to rake.

Honestly I don’t know what other options I have in my arsenal.  I’ve tried beating, I’ve tried forced labor, I’ve tried grounding, I cut off TV tonight, I’ve made idle threats, I’ve made real threats and followed through on them, I’ve thrown their asses outside, I’ve pulled the Santa is watching you card, I’ve pulled the Jesus is watching you card, I’ve threatened to not make Halloween sugar cookies if the behavior doesn’t stop.  Nothing works.

If this is how the rest of the winter will go down, then forget it.  I’m cutting my losses and cashing out now.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2009


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