Exponential Dysfunction

In Calculus, the exponential function is the entire function defined by   exp(z)=e^z, where e is the solution of the equation int_1^xdt/t so that e=x=2.718...exp(z) is also the unique solution of the equation df/dz=f(z) with f(0)=1.

I really have no idea what that means because any math that involves Greek letters or symbols that I can’t draw scares the daylights out of me. What I do know is that any undertaking becomes exponentially more difficult for each additional child involved. The entire physical world is rooted in mathematics and I strongly suspect that there is a corollary between this anecdotal observation and the principle of exponential function.


  • 7:22 pm – One adult subject makes a decision to leave the health club swimming pool to return home.
  • 7:23 pm – Subject depools, towels off, gathers belongings, walks to the locker room, changes clothes, leaves the locker room, exits the building.
  • 7:28 pm – Subject drives out of the parking lot.


  • 7:22 pm – Two adult subjects make a decision to leave the health club swimming pool to return home.
  • 7:23 pm – Juvenile subjects #3 (age 4) and #4 (age 3) are informed of the decision and lodge a complaint. A five-minute stay is granted.
  • 7:28 pm – Juvenile subject #2 (age 7) is informed of the decision and needs the Jaws of Life to aid with extrication from a Size 18mo life jacket that he has donned for inexplicable reasons.
  • 7:32 pm – Juvenile subject #2 leaves to seek out Juvenile subject #1 (age 10) to inform him of the decision.
  • 7:34 pm – JS3 and JS4 are led out of the pool only to repeatedly return to the water.
  • 7:36 pm – JS2 has located JS1 and returns him to the home base. Protest of the decision is noted, though no action is taken.
  • 7:37 pm – JS2 protests AS2’s request for him to return the life jacket to the rack by the entrance. AS2 informs him that if he does not comply all future swimming privileges will be revoked indefinitely.
  • 7:40 pm – All juvenile subjects are out of the water. Each must be reminded a minimum of four times to gather their shoes, towels and shirts.
  • 7:42 pm – The walk to the locker room begins and is interrupted twice when JS4 trails back to lean over the edge of the lap pool.
  • 7:43 pm – AS2 hangs up JS4’s life jacket. JS4 has to go back two times to look at his life jacket on the hanger because he wants to “see it.”
  • 7:44 pm – The walk to the locker room resumes and is interrupted three times when JS4 walks into the indoor pool, walks down the steps of the indoor lap pool and leans over the side of the lap pool, nearly falling in.
  • 7:45 pm – Juvenile subjects are herded into the unisex locker room and AS1 takes JS3 and JS4 into a changing room where a discussion over showering occurs. Shower is taken, subjects’ hair is washed, despite protests, JS4 is dressed.
  • 7:52 pm – AS1 departs for the men’s locker room to change. JS3 is completely nude but insists on helping run everyone’s swimming suits through the water extractor.
  • 7:54 pm – While JS3 is getting dressed, JS2 is playing with keys in the lockers and begs for an ID card so he can see how the keys work. Request is denied. Meanwhile JS1 decides he needs to blow dry his hair. JS4 is jumping off of the benches in front of the lockers.
  • 7:55 pm – Now everyone wants to blow dry their hair. JS1 is taking his time while JS3 and JS4 are impatiently waiting. JS2 finds the second blow dryer and dries his hair.
  • 7:58 pm – JS3 is blow drying JS4’s hair. JS4 wants to dry his own hair. Power struggle ensues.
  • 7:59 pm – Health club employee enters locker room with a cart of food supplies including ciabatta rolls, orange juice and butter. This strikes AS2 as quite unsanitary. Why in the hell would a cart of food be routed through a locker room?
  • 8:01 pm – Hair is dried, all juvenile subjects are guided out of the locker room. AS1 is not outside. JS3 says he is hungry, begins whining because he wants to get something to eat from the café. Request is denied and is met with a vocal and physical appeal. JS4 is climbing on end tables. JS1 is watching the crawl on ESPN because he thinks he saw something about Brett Favre.
  • 8:03 pm – Still no sign of AS1. JS3 and JS4 are becoming more out of control. AS2 is not in possession of the car keys and has no means of escape. AS2 asks JS1 to go into the men’s locker room to get a status update. JS1 refuses because he wants to watch ESPN. JS2 volunteers for the mission.
  • 8:04 pm – AS1 appears.
  • 8:05 pm – JS2 is nowhere to be found. Search party consisting of JS1 is dispatched. JS3 is physically removed from the building, JS4 leaves voluntarily.
  • 8:06 pm – JS4 insists on looking down drainage grates for crocodiles instead of getting into the van. JS3 is audibly crying. JS4 has run off twice and is mad when AS2 buckles him into his car seat because he “wanted to do it.”
  • 8:08 pm – JS1 and JS2 are still MIA. AS1 returns inside to find them.
  • 8:10 pm – JS1 comes outside to ask if JS2 has returned to the van. AS2 advises no. JS1 goes back inside.
  • 8:12 pm – JS2 appears, without AS1 or JS1, advises he has not seen either subject. AS2 advises JS2 to go back inside, stand by the front desk and wait for AS1 and JS1.
  • 8:15 pm – AS1, JS1 and JS2 all exit the building simultaneously.
  • 8:16 pm – Subjects drive out of the parking lot.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2010

4 thoughts on “Exponential Dysfunction

  1. Not that I want to be a calculus weenie, but int_1^x dt/t alone isn’t an equation. You mean the equation int_1^x dt/t = 1. I’m going back to my rock now…

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