Ask A Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With

This is what I’d write if I worked for The Onion. I’m not nearly as brilliant and warped as their writers churning stuff like this out every day.

ADVICE APRIL 19, 2011

Ask A Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With

Dear Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With,

I’m a 19 year-old college student, and my parents bought me a used car for graduation to commute home for holidays or occasional family visits. I really don’t need the car at school because I walk or use public transportation. My parents are from a small town and don’t understand how much things cost in the city, and won’t help me pay for parking. How can I make them understand that parking here is inconvenient and expensive, and that unless they help me, I’m going to drive the car back to Maine and they’ll have to either pick me up for breaks or meet me at the train station?

—On The Road To Nowhere In Boston

Dear Road,

Hey babe, can you talk right now? No, I’m not calling from my cell. My wife has been looking through the numbers on the bill. I told her I’ve been talking to a vendor who’s having some financial problems and I’m trying to help him out so the company doesn’t get stiffed, but that it’s all settled now. So if she calls your number, tell her you’re the secretary at Allied Fencing and that Joe’s on a service call.

Dear Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With,

HELP! The mother of my daughter’s best friend drives me crazy. Every time I see her, she spends a half hour telling me about her entire day and everything that’s going on with her. Sometimes I hear the same stories over and over. I just want to pick up Jilliyn (not her real name) from a play date and get on with my life, but I can’t. What’s the best way to make a quick getaway?

—Need An Escape Plan In Helena

Dear Escape,

I’m at the Arby’s out by the interstate. The one attached to the truck stop. I miss you too. I know I said I would, but it’s complicated right now with Toby’s graduation coming up and Marissa going to all of those gymnastics competitions out of state. You’re so bad! Me too. Not here. I can’t say it out loud, there’s a mom and her kids waiting in line for the bathroom right by me.

Dear Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With,

I work in a coffee shop and get so sick of customers coming in and handing me their credit cards or money after I’ve seen them standing in line coughing or sneezing into their hands, even picking their noses! It disgusts me and I keep hand sanitizer next to my register at all times. But my shift supervisor thinks it’s rude and insulting to our customers for me to use it after each transaction. What do you think? Am I being extreme? It is still technically flu season.

—Doesn’t Want The Plague In Asheville

Dear Plague,

Oh disgusting! No, not you. What you said was hot. I just put my hand on the side of this phone and there is a bunch of moist ketchup all over it. Ugh, it’s all over my hand now. I should get off this phone anyway, there’s a truck driver with a big beard who’s been pacing back and forth with a slip of paper in his hands. I think he wants to use the phone. Will you be able to talk this afternoon? I’ll try to get away and call you from the phone over by the thrift store downtown.

Confidential To Wicked In Waxahachie:

I’ll have to be careful though because Marnie’s best friend is a loan officer or something at the bank down the street and if she sees me there I’m toast. Oh, I forgot to tell you, the tenants moved out of that rental house of Stan’s. I have the key because I’m going to redo some insulation in the attic for him. There’s a garage there and everything so we won’t have to park down the street or anything. Ok, shit, that truck driver’s looking at me again. You’re beautiful, baby, I’ll call you later.

Tony Wolansky is a cheating husband whose syndicated advice column, Ask A Man On A Pay Phone At Arby’s Talking To The Woman He’s Having An Extramarital Affair With, appears weekly in over 250 newspapers across the U.S.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011

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