Go The F**k To Sleep

A few friends of mine turned me onto probably the most relevant new book I’ve seen in ages. Go the Fuck to Sleep, written by Adam Mansbach is scheduled for release on June 14, 2011 by Akashic Books, and has already become an internet sensation (unfortunately partly due to a pirated PDF version being circulated), resonating with exasperated parents everywhere.

Sing-songy rhymes amidst lush animal illustrations by Ricardo Cortés are peppered with salty language that gets right at what parents want. For their children to stop acting like fucking caged zoo animals and to go the fuck to sleep. This is what I want right this moment, as I type this, wiping spittle from the screen of my laptop from hissing and yelling at them to get back to bed. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts.

Children are sociopaths. They suck you in by acting endearing, sweet and charming one minute, then they do a bait and switch and trash your house like a bunch of frat boys the next. You lose your mind a bit each day trying to anticipate and head off their next plot. It’s not for the faint-hearted.

Someone told my husband once, “We’ve never punished our children in anger.”

He can suck it. Even if that’s true, I predict the probability of his kids being driven home in the back of a squad car as teenagers is no lower than it would be for mine.

Now my sociopaths are whining because they’re hot and want the air conditioner turned on. Tough shit. I’m guessing that getting out of bed and running downstairs every two minutes and chasing the dog around the house might cause you to work up a sweat. Should have thought that one through.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011

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5 thoughts on “Go The F**k To Sleep

  1. Hilarious!! When my two holy terrors were little, I used to try countring slowly to ten. They knew if I got to ten, they would get swatted (in the days before physical punishment wasn’t taboo). They were smart little terrors and would wait until I got to nine, then would leap for wherever I wanted them to go.

    Then it would start all over again. Usually with the two of them fighting over some inconsequential thing or other.

    The best Christmas present they ever gave me was one whole week without fighting. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. To give them both credit, they stuck to it, although the second the week was up, they were back at it again.

  2. A whole week? So that proves it CAN be done. I’ve done the counting thing too with the same results. Frustrating. They think they’re hilarious, though.

  3. I’m much less patient than you, and I only have one kid.

    I used to say, “I’m counting to 1.” I figured, if I was that pissed, she already knew she shouldn’t be doing what she was doing. It was not new information, and she had just one damn second to stop whatever the hell it was.

    And as for the never disciplining in anger? That’s just cold. I’m a firm believer in natural consequences, and sometimes the consequences of acting like a raving hyena is that you are going to piss people off.

    Eh. She’s sixteen, she still smarts off, but she gets good grades and achieves things extracurricularly and stays out of trouble. A little mom anger hasn’t seemed to harm her thus far.

    • Natural consequences. I like that concept as well, but never thought about it in terms parental anger being a consequence for poor behavior. I really like that idea. It’s kind of brilliant.

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