Open Letter To ESPN (The Worldwide Leader In Sports)

Are you telling me someone in your programming department actually sat down, looked at this schedule for coverage of the French Open, and approved it? Either you have trained monkeys at the switch or someone is drinking on the job. Better bring on the random drug testing.

9:00am EDT (3:00pm Paris) – Start of quarterfinal matches at Stade Roland-Garros.
9:00am EDT – You have four networks available to cover a LIVE sporting event. So what do you broadcast?
  • ESPN – SportsCenter (re-broadcast at 10am and 11am)
  • ESPN2 – Mike and Mike in the Morning; ESPN First Take (What, no European BMX Racing or High School Bass Fishing tournaments to fill time with?)
  • ESPNEWS – Highlight Express (re-broadcast five times until 12pm)
  • ESPNClassic – Schaap One on One: Bob Cousy; Firestone Chats: Michael Jordan; SportsCentury: 1997 NBA Finals; SportsCentury: Oscar Robinson; SportsCentury: Larry Bird; SportsCentury: Bill Russell (I would like to point out that all of these individuals were prominent LAST century.)
12:00pm EDT – ESPN2 decides to air some LIVE coverage of the French Open. Go on the air at 12pm and join the Nadal/Soderling match in progress with Nadal up 6-4, 6-1, 4-4. Interrupt that match to switch over to the other quarterfinal where Murray is leading Chela 7-6, 7-5, 3-2. Jump between and split-screen these two matches like a rabid squirrel who just ate his weight in Starbucks Komodo Dragon Blend® coffee beans. 
1:00pm EDT – Have your analysts sit around and bullshit for 25 minutes about the matches that you just finished airing a fourth of, and discuss the results of the two women’s matches that were played earlier in the day.
1:25pm EDT – Air the Sharapova/Petkovic match that you just spent the last ten minutes discussing how Sharapova dominated the match and how it’s now her tournament to lose.
2:15pm EDT – Air the last three games of the Li Na/Azarenka match.
2:30pm EDT – Air the beginning of the Nadal/Soderling match that you showed the end of three hours ago.
3:00pm EDT – Start alternating between the Nadal/Soderling and Murray/Chela matches again.

Genius. You pissed me off so badly that I went to Costco. Just as well. That stupid Longines commercial with Kate Winslet and Angelina Jolie has been on more than actual tennis matches anyway.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011




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