Drop And Give Me Twenty

Mood: Bad.

Today was the first day of summer vacation I’ve been home with the kids. I think I’m ready for them to go back to school. And they were only here for half of the day because they’re attending Faith Formation at church in the mornings. What in THE HELL am I going to do with them for the rest of the summer? If it’s a nice day and they’re out with their friends, it’s tolerable. But today was chilly, and I guess no one was around, and insulting Cameron was David’s chosen activity.

Here are a few ideas.

  • Put a lock on the refrigerator door. And on all kitchen cupboards. No matter how many times I tell them that they aren’t allowed to eat anything before running it by me, a whole box of granola bars seems to disappear as soon as I’m not within earshot of the kitchen.
  • Deep cleaning. One room per week. Ever heard of Mr. Clean? Well, you’re his bitches now.
  • Reading list. I want quiet. Every time there’s a rainy day I’m not listening to the TV blaring Spongebob Squarepants and Victorious reruns that I’ve seen a million times. Suggestions welcome.
  • Photo shoots. I have a tripod now. And an external flash. And an extra lens. And thinking about getting some light reflectors. Dude, that shit gets heavy. Someone needs to haul it all around for me.
  • Cooking lessons. If they’re going to eat me out of house and home, they should at least be able to cook a meal for me. Hopefully someday a nice girl will appreciate it.
  • Laundry. Ok, Beyoncé, you need five wardrobe changes during the course of a day? Well then you’re in for a treat. Like smelly underwear? I hope so because 5 boys x 7 days  x 1.5 per day = around 50 pairs per week. You’re lucky it’s flip-flop season, because socks are actually much worse.

Reveille is at 0700, maggots.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011

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94 thoughts on “Drop And Give Me Twenty

  1. Oh my! You will have your hands full this summer! Good luck!

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

    P.S. Great idea getting the kids to cook…girls always appreciate a man who can cook! 🙂

    • Lol, thanks for stopping by! My dad taught me by example that you can be a fairly devout Catholic and still swear like a sailor. I consider them to be “flavoring” words to make conversation more interesting.

  2. Let me be the first to congratulate you for being Freshly Pressed. Loved your satire. At least, I hope it was satire, or else you’ll no doubt be getting a visit from CPS! JK 🙂

  3. You’re having the same sort of summer I am, The 2-Boy Summer. The one where nothing you do is interesting or entertaining enough, and you remind them that it’s not your job to entertain them and that they should use their puny little imaginations and find something to do. Or….something like that. We’re like 3 weeks in now and they’re already sick of the pool and the beach. And my hair looks like a matted sheep’s ass. If I have to watch Tori in her often inappropriate-for-a-kids’-show attire any longer I’m going to write a letter. ‘Cause really… are 15-17 year-olds watching this show? No. 11-14 year-olds are. Anyway, hang in there. See you on the flip side.

    • Yes, thank you. Victoria looks like she’s 30 years old, what’s up with that? I actually have a 4-boy summer. All four are with me today. Usually the two youngest ones go off to daycare so I can try to “work” during the day. My five year-old is destroying my kitchen at the moment. My four year-old is here with me asking 1,000 questions. Quit bugging me you kids, I’m trying to watch Wimbledon. Good luck with your summer too!

  4. I have my kiddos home all day everyday and umm yeah there are def those days! I was so excited last week because I set them up with their own special day where they do their OWN laundry!!! Yippee cartwheels jumping up and down joy.The kids did not get my enthusiasm though as I posted the laundry schedule.

  5. Here’s a suggestion…Go learn some parenting skills! You sound like the parent that uses school as a baby sitting service. Too bad for the kids that you have no tolerance for their bad behavior, which, by the way, is your fault. I hope you aren’t teaching your kids the language you used to describe them. It wouldn’t go over very well at church. It must really suck to be you.

    • Well, four really. I counted my husband as one of the five. He actually helps a lot around the house, but there are times I feel like I’m his mother too.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  6. i read your article and even though i am a kid (i know the language) my mum would never lock the kitchen cupboards instead she just doesn’t buy any chocolate or sweets she just makes us eat fruit

  7. My summer is similar to yours, except in that I’m the one at home (I work in academics … 69 days to go! ….) trying to share space with our three children. Our average age combined is 10.4 years … but if you take me out, that average drops to 2.67. Just thought you’d like to know that your list is probably appropriate for adults, too … I’ll take it for a trial run.

  8. My two munchkins are both under two so I don’t have the same “summer vacation” issues that you’ve got going on there. But this post gives me something to look forward to. And by “look forward to”, I of course mean “dread with every fiber of my being”.

  9. 5 BOYS!!!! The word SAINT comes to mind. Mind you my gran brought up 8 boys in a house with no gas, power or phone in the country kilometres away from civilisation. I know what she went trhough but I have to admit, I wash for 2 and I had never considered washing 50 pairs a week. What a night mare! Can they not use a washer themselves?

    • Well, the oldest one is 11 and he will learn. Actually there are only four of them. I count my husband as five sometimes, but he does his own laundry (and mine) for the most part.

      Wow, your gran is the saint. That sounds terrifying! At least in the country with no one around I’m hoping she could just throw them all outside when they got rowdy!

      Thanks for stopping by. I like your car blog too…I’m not so into cars, but it’s a great change of pace from the women as hood ornaments marketing of most auto companies!

  10. Bootcamp Mom….turn it into a business and charge neighbors to enroll their kids:

    07:00 – Home of the Week selected, that Mom gets breakfast in bed and her kitchen cleaned.
    09:00 – Wash and detail the car at Home of the Week
    10:00 – Yard Detail – mow and trim lawns, trim shrubs, plant a vegetable garden, water, oil tools
    12:00 – Lunch – learn to make pocket stew or grill burgers and hot dogs, eat, take a break
    14:00 – Walk to the park for physical training, playground workout
    16:00 – Dinner prep for Home of the Week, spaghetti, tossed salad, chocolate chip cookies for dessert
    17:00 – Go home.

    Funny post – this may be either the longest or shortest summer of your life. Go for it!

  11. Can I just say how much I absolutely love you! This seriously made me laugh out loud and then immediately share it with all my mom friends, who also laughed out loud. You rock. Good luck surviving. I hear summer camp is nice…

  12. That was a pretty funny post. All boys? My goodness. I have one 2yr old monster…he’s available if you want to add an extra – and he cleans up.

    p.s. I found your blog via the wordpress homepage.

  13. hahah Mr. Clean. This was a funny post. I like your kind of humor. But really good luck with your boys. 🙂 All that frustration just shows how much you really love your kids. 🙂 Nice post!

  14. I always look forward to summer. Somehow the school year dulls my memory and I have idealistic visions of summertime fun with the kids: berry picking, baseball games, sitting by the pool. One week in: my son ate so many berries at the farm he vomitted the whole way home, we made it through two innings before it started raining, and the kids were fighting so awful at the pool that I banished them to the shallow and deep ends respectively. How many more weeks until school starts again?

  15. My kids have everything they need to keep themselves occupied in their room. Xbox, computer, DVD player, legos, and books. I got the rest of the house to myself.

  16. Not on holiday yet, but I can empathise unlike one of the previous humourless males… Actually this year we have the added complication of redundant dad hanging around the house, botching DIY projects, to contend with: should be fun!
    Book list suggestions: Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider series, also great to listen to on long car journeys, Roman mysteries, A series of unfortunate events, Harry Potter – yes, I go in for epic episodic tales, keeps em hooked. Good luck!

    • Ooh, I don’t think I could do it with a redundant dad (like that term!) around. Someone else had actually suggested the Alex Rider series as well. I think my 11 year-old picked up the first book from the library. Don’t know if it’s taken hold yet. Thanks for reading!

  17. Yes, make those damn kids your bitches! I don’t have kids and I’m a teacher, so my summer break has been quiet and filled with lots of drinking and cleaning. I’ll pour one out for you tonight and for all those parents who are dealing with kids not only during the school year but…. year round. I can only imagine…

  18. Pingback: Picture Perfect Evening « Sunflower Girl

  19. Love it! Specially the cooking bit, there is nothing a good woman loves more than finding a man who knows his way around the kitchen!! Thats an amazing turn on if you ask me 😉

    Perhaps you could add daily walks to different places.. the boys could choose, it gets them outside, and EVEN BETTER, wears them out a bit for that “quiet” time you will need! 😉

    Best of luck! 🙂

  20. Today is my kids’ last day of school and I think my brain may implode.
    I have been trying to come up with things to fill the 888 waking hours of summer break I have coming, starting tomorrow. I feel screwed.
    Though, maybe if I come up with an impromptu cooking class in my kitchen…this could eat up another couple hours? Idea much appreciated.

    • It might chew up a few hours. The unfortunate part is that it requires YOU to be engaged with them as well. That really cuts into one’s nap time.

      Thanks for reading!

  21. Good luck to you! I sure need it and I only have the two kids. 🙂 Summer is such a mixed blessing. At the beginning I am giddy with excitement we’ll have more time together…then by August I’m counting down the days until we all get back into a routine of some kind.

  22. Loved your post and sense of humor. We’re working parents with twin 13 year old boys and a 15 year girl keeping the dog happy at home for the next 10 weeks. We spoiled them and put in a dishwasher with the new kitchen two months ago.. Stupid us! Can’t hold dishes over their head, as we have done in the past, but they’ll still need to clean up after themselves. I am sure there will be far more X-box played and Family Guy watched (by the guys) than to my liking, Fortunately, marching band starts in August. They’ll be ready to do something different by then. We’ll take a few day trips to break things up. Wish I had summers off, but I am afraid I would drink more than I do now!

  23. I laughed out loud. Your crew makes mine look positively placid. Congrats on the Freshly Pressed! Are any of yours teenagers yet? Hold on, tight if not. That’s when they get all shifty-eyed and quiet. Trust me, quiet is BAD. At least wit noise, you can locate them! I’m considering, in addition to locks on the cupboards, hidden GPS transponders.

    Good luck!

  24. That’s why I decided to have kids….someone to wash the dishes and take out the garbage. JK! Good luck!

  25. Oh my god. I almost fell off my chair. I love the comment about deep cleaning. I’m going to keep that one till my son gets old enough. And then i’m going to print it out and frame it and stick it on his wall. Thanks for the great inspiration!

    Tracy
    mychildcan.wordpress.com

  26. Pingback: My Life Is Just Like Top Gun. Only Not As Exciting. Or Cool. And Without F-14s. Or Tom Cruise. | Sunflower Girl

  27. This post is the perfect mix of totally serious with a nice shot of humor. Congrats on being freshly pressed, you deserve it man; you’ve a gift for humor . This definitely brightened my day, and it’s because you shared your gift with me :]. Ever heard of Discover the Gift? Well it’s totally changed the way I look at things in my life, even little ones such as the impact of casually reading a blog. Anyway, Discover The Gift helped me realize that I have gifts to offer, and that other people do too—your blog reminded me of this universal principle and brought a smile to my face, and for that I thank you! Have you heard of it? Their FB page has trailers and exercises, def recommend you check it out =] http://on.fb.me/kVoAQo

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