Did Magellan’s Wife Have To Go Through This?

I’m no marketing genius (or maybe I am, who knows, I’ve never tried), but if I were a divorce lawyer, I’d skip the yellow pages and advertise instead on Google Maps or MapQuest. That’s where it all starts. If you’re a married couple and haven’t had a fight caused by directions, I applaud you. I haven’t known anyone yet whose relationship has been above that.

My husband is directionally challenged. By that I mean that he couldn’t find his ass with road map and a compass. And I say that in the most loving way. Sometimes it’s a source of humor. Other times I want to kill him. It doesn’t bother me that he has trouble with directions. I can navigate my way out of anything enough to make up for the both of us. That’s what good teams do, rely on each other’s strengths. What I have a problem with is someone who is confused and borderline lost, and looking for help, who then doesn’t listen to the questions or advice I give him to rectify his situation.

For instance, hypothetical situation, if you are driving to a baseball tournament in Mankato, Minnesota, and rely on MapQuest directions to get you there, don’t be surprised that they’re wrong. Especially if you’re using the text directions and not the map. Internet map sites make up roads. Or use names of roads that existed 30 years ago.

(Scene from Back to the Future. Lorraine’s father is obviously an agent for MapQuest.)

Marty McFly: “Do you know where Riverside Drive is?”
Sam Baines: “It’s on the other end of town, a block past Maple. East end of town.”
Marty McFly: “A block past Maple? That’s, uh, that’s John F. Kennedy Drive.”
Sam Baines: “Who the hell is John F. Kennedy?”

Secondly, if you’re going to call your wife while you’re all lost, shut the hell up for a minute about MapQuest and how lame their directions are so you can listen to your wife, who is trying to nail down your position on her GPS so she can tell you where the hell to go (she has some alternative ideas), and answer questions that will give her a clue as to your location. The sooner you stop talking, the sooner you can be re-routed.

And lastly, don’t get mad at ME because you can’t comprehend all the above or anything else I’m telling you!

Seriously. 1-800-EZS-PLIT on a little banner ad. Business would boom.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011


2 thoughts on “Did Magellan’s Wife Have To Go Through This?

  1. I have a fairly good sense of direction in real life, but I play internet role-playing games with my hubby, and for some reason I am ALWAYS lost. The scenery doesn’t change…it’s me. We now have a new rule of thumb. Watch which direction I turn and then go the other way. I know it’s frustrating for my husband, and I feel for him. I’m going to practice trying to find my way out of paper bags first 😛

  2. Pingback: Ups And Downs « Sunflower Girl

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