Imaginary Conversations With My Dog

I was eating a piece of leftover birthday cake for a snack last night. I had the following mental exchange with my dog, who was sitting at my feet, hoping for a morsel.

Dog: “You know, I could go for some of that too. Looks good.”
Me: “Yep, I’m sure you could.”
Dog: “I’ll just be sitting here, looking at you.”
Me: “Got it.”
Dog: “It’s not like I have to have my own piece or anything, I’ll take whatever you don’t want. Really you don’t have to go through any trouble. Just drop it on the floor if you want.”
Me: “Ok.”
Dog: “So…I’ll just be here. Riiiight here. Just so you know.”
Me: “Yep, I see you.”
Dog: “Again, if you don’t want to finish all of it, I’d be happy to take it off your hands. Because I do…I do like cake.”
Me: “I’m aware of your feelings on the matter.”
Dog: “So, anyway…I’ll be here. If I like step away for a second it’s just because I think you might have dropped a crumb. Doesn’t mean I’m not interested, because I still am.”
Me: “Roger that.”
Dog: “Cuz I do like me some cake.”
Me: “I know.”
Dog: “Soooo…yeah. I’m still here. You see me, right? Can you look at my eyes? Seriously, look at my eyes, because I’m doing that sad, adorable thing that everyone thinks is so cute. LOOK at me! Come on!”
Me: “I do see you. Kind of pathetic, but sweet.”
Dog: “I’ll lick the plate too, just so you know, I’m totally fine with that too. I mean, obviously a bite, or a piece, or the whole cake would be better, but I’ll take whatever you’ve got, I’m not choosy. Frosting on the floor is good too.”
Me: “Understood.”
Dog: “Because I. Like. Cake.”
Me: “Noted.”
Dog: “I’m not going away. Still here. Waiting. Patiently. Hi. I’ll lick your feet if you want me to. Mmm…salty. Was that the doorbell? Doesn’t matter, I don’t care. I’m still here.”
Me: “I think that might have been the doorbell.”
Dog: “It was. And I’m torn between having a barking fit in case there is an intruder or someone I like at the door, and waiting here for you to give up the cake. Look here, bee-yotch, I’ve tried being polite, now give me some goddamned cake!”
Me: “It’s gone.”
Dog: “All right. I’m sorry I was mean to you, it’s just that you had the cake, and I wanted the cake, and then you didn’t give me the cake. I didn’t mean anything by it. Do you still like me? Can I still be your friend? Will you still scratch my ears? Wait, don’t throw that paper plate away, I’ll take it, I’ll take it! Awww, no, ok, that’s fine, but will you still pet me? Wanna play rope? Wanna play ball? Wanna rub my tummy? Here, I’ll lie down, you rub my tummy! Ok? Ok? Please? I didn’t mean what I said to you about the cake. But if there’s ever a time when you’re having cake again, and you wouldn’t mind, I could, I mean, I, you…you can give it to me. I’ll be here. Waiting.”

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011

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6 thoughts on “Imaginary Conversations With My Dog

  1. Hilarious. I have similar conversations with my three dogs every day…except it’s more like a discordant chorus.

    Ling Ling: I’m not interested in food right now *yawn*
    Oreo: She’s lying. Who wouldn’t be interested? It’s a HOT DOG.
    Tilly Tot: I think Mommy is going to finish it all. I’ll switch on the cute look.
    Oreo: Dang, wish I was small and blonde and cute.
    Ling Ling: You know Mommy loves you best.
    Oreo: Ahhhh noooo, that’s the last bite and it’s going…

    *three pair of adorable eyes are intently staring at the last morsel in my fingers – I can’t stand it and cave*

    Tilly Tot: Phew, I knew she would give us some.
    Ling Ling: She left out the hot dog part. It’s just bread and some mustard.
    Oreo: Who cares? It’s food.
    Ling Ling: I don’t like bread. *she drops it – Tilly and Oreo spar for it – Oreo, being bigger, grabs it*

    You kind of have to know my three adorable Shih Tzus to get the impact of this little convo, but it happens all the time. My husband would laugh if he read this.

    I love posts on dogs like this!

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