Not Just Bad Movies, I Mean Flaming Pile Of Crap Movies

My friend, Julie saw the movie Drive a month or so ago. She’s still bitter about it. She’s anxiously waiting for this Michigan woman’s lawsuit to go class action. Woman sues to stop Drive getting away with a ‘misleading’ trailer

Here’s Julie’s concise review of the film. “Drive. Buzzed about at Cannes. 80 on Metacritic. Huge flaming pile of crap – unless you watch it as a comedy…”

Her brother, Joel was equally unimpressed. “You could stare at a photo of Ryan Gosling for two hours and basically have the same experience without the annoying music and ultra violent spurts.”

I think everyone has seen a movie that they despised on a visceral level. A friend of mine once sent me an e-mail after seeing The Blair Witch Project, and said that he wanted a refund of his ticket price just so he could take it and throw it out a window, because he’d get more satisfaction from that action than he ever could watching that movie.

In May of 2000, I picked up my brother at the Kansas City International Airport. We were attending our sister’s graduation from the University of Kansas the next day. He had seen Battlefield Earth the night before. And he clearly wasn’t over it. From the time he set foot in the car until we reached our hotel in Overland Park, probably a 25-30 minute drive in afternoon traffic, he went off on one continuous rant about everything in the movie that sucked (which was EVERYTHING in the movie).

My cinematic arch-enemy is P.S. I Love You. Sometimes I get sucked into going to really awful chick flicks with my friends. I’m not really a big fan of the romantic comedy genre, but there are a few that I can tolerate, even like. This one, no.

Soooooo many things were wrong with that movie. The premise is, a guy dies of a brain tumor, and as he’s dying, he leaves a series of fun, kooky, romantic notes for his young widow to find after he’s gone.

Firstly, most men are incapacitated by a simple head cold. I can suspend disbelief in order to buy that Indiana Jones can crack his whip, be dragged behind a truck full of Nazis shooting at him, and come out unscathed (with his hat), but to think that a guy in the throes of end-stage cancer is going to be thoughtful enough to go to such extravagant lengths for his wife on the other side, is not within the realm of possibility.

I mean, he sends her off on a trip to Ireland (um, they lived in a tiny NYC apartment and she worked as a waitress at a bar, yet he’s got money stashed for an all-expense paid trip for her and her three friends) and she meets a guy in a pub, sleeps with him, and oh jeez, look at that, it’s her late husband’s childhood best friend. Who knew?

And just when poor Hilary Swank, worst actress in a romantic comedy ever, is at the end of her rope, she sees his cufflink fall to the floor and it inspires her to start her own business of putting trinkets on top of shoes, and instantly she’s a fashionista with her own swanky retail store on Fifth Avenue. What fucking ever.

Harry Connick, Jr. and other assorted hot guys are in this movie. I’ve had a crush on Harry since I first knew who he was when he was 21 years old and I was 19. By the end of the movie, I even hated him. Hated him because his character was stupid, hated him personally because he took this stupid role to begin with.

Years later I’m still filled with self-loathing for having ever SEEN that piece of dreck. This is why we need a resurrection of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Someone needs to find those guys, give them a hugeass budget so they can rake big box office flicks over the coals. The Occupy Wall Street and Tea Party crowds should be getting to the bottom of problems like this. These are the issues that matter.

What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen, and why?

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2011

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18 thoughts on “Not Just Bad Movies, I Mean Flaming Pile Of Crap Movies

  1. I think that you should get your boys together and do the new Mystery Science Theatre. Seriously. And remember me with a trip to Italy when you are filthy rich. Send me alone. So I can sleep with someone’s best friend and figure out a way to have some swanky life afterwards. And nobody has to die. 🙂

  2. For me it’s a tie. One I walked right out of the theater because I just couldn’t take it anymore and the other I rented and wanted to shoot myself in the eye just to make it stop. I kept watching it though waiting for the good part, or the explanation as to what was going on and it never came. The former was The Talented Mr. Ripley and the latter was The Box. WTF was up with that movie? I thought it would be decent since it had Cameron Diaz in it (Not that she’s the best actress but she usually does big budget, decent movies) but that was just awful. It was long, didn’t make any sense and the ending was just whacked. I don’t even remember what the Talented Mr. Ripley was about but I remember I was bored out of my mind and it was just going nowhere and I couldn’t bare to waste my money and my time on it! This was a good post, it made me laugh and nod my head in agreement! 🙂

    • Yeah, I would have seen that coming a mile away. I don’t think Adam Sandler is the least bit funny. I usually want to smack him and his stupid whiny voices upside the head. Did you at least get a refund? I think theaters will do that if you walk out before it’s over! ;o)

  3. Anything by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. The ______ Movie guys. I’ll never intentionally watch one of these, but I was forced to sit through ‘Epic Movie’, and I vowed that it will never happen again. If I’m at someone’s house and they try to get me to watch any of these movies, I will get up and leave, salting the earth as I go.

    • I responded to the earlier commenter about my disdain for anything Adam Sandler. Sorry you didn’t get the early warning!

      And wouldn’t Joel & the gang do amazing things with a romcom? Forget science fiction, they could go in so many different directions with it! Thanks for reading!

  4. Augh! Thank you for finally telling the truth of PS I Love You! I have too many friends who fell for the hype and actually believed that it was a decent movie. My vote is for The English Patient. I know that may be a controversial choice, but good gravy, was it melodramatic! I had paid for the movie, so I refused to leave but I got up and went to the bathroom three times just so I could get out of the theater! =\

    • “The English Patient” is less controversial than you might think. My sister’s choice was “Random Hearts” with Kristin Scott-Thomas, and feels almost the same about “The English Patient.” I didn’t hate that as much as she did, but certainly didn’t feel it deserved the accolades it received. It just went on, and on, and on, and on…

      Thanks for validating my disdain for “P.S. I Love You.” HATE that thing.

  5. Two fairly recent ones are tied for the same
    Reason – tedious boredom and repetition:
    The American with George Clooney, unless you like
    Endless shots of his hunkness silently
    Staring out a window. A little older one with
    Bill Murray called Lost in Translation. I felt
    Like they shot one basic pointless scene
    And looped over and over. Bill Murray should
    Stick to comedy.

    • Yes, I can see how that would happen. My little sister has a thing for Irish accents. I think they’re nice, but even so, didn’t make the movie any more palatable for me!

  6. Pingback: Chick Flicks That Don’t Suck | Sunflower Girl

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