Things I Could Do Without In 2012

2012 Doomsday Fanfare
We get it. December 21, 2012 is the end of civilization as we know it. If it’s significant to you, prepare your soul, do what you have to do, but for the love of God, shut up about it, joking or otherwise. It’s been done to death.

Anguished Women in Pop Music
Christina Perri, Adele, Taylor Swift, et al. singing about the relationships that either they screwed up for themselves or about a guy who was just a tool or whatever. Enough with the wallowing in self-pity. Didn’t we already cover this about 15 years ago with Alanis Morrissette and Sarah McLachlan?

Occupying Shit
People, you’ve occupied Wall Street, LA, Oakland, and other places for over six months now. What is your point? Did you ever have one? Have you accomplished anything? Cut your losses, clean up your crap, take your iPads and your cardboard signs, get off your asses, and go back to your parents’ basement. Here’s how you can really make a difference. Run for office, volunteer, contribute to society.

Anderson Cooper
I used to watch Anderson Cooper back when he was the daring overseas correspondent for Channel One, the school news propaganda station. I’ve always seen him as fair and objective. Then he got a talk show. I’m sorry but once you start making gourmet cupcakes with your mom on daytime television, your credibility as a serious journalist is shot. Even if your mom is Gloria Vanderbilt.

The Presidential Campaign
If someone were to place me into hypersleep until Wednesday, November 7, I would be eternally grateful. As it is, I’m just going to do a lot of closing my eyes and ears because I can’t stand either side, particularly the more rabid supporters, at this point.

Kardashians, Housewives, Biebers, Sheens, and Snookis
Enough said.

Racy Advertising During Sporting Events
I have four boys. They watch a lot of sports. They do not need to know what to do in the event they should get an erection that lasts longer than four hours. Call me a prude, but I would prefer that discussion of erections wait until they are old enough to read the very special book I bought for David earlier this year. They also do not need to watch the Axe body spray ads that border on soft core porn.

Remember when we tried that? That was fun. Now be gone with you.

That Awkward Moment
That awkward moment when you realize you’ve incorporated into your vernacular a phrase that instantly turns you into a douchebag.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2012


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