Are You Sirious?

I love my iPhone 4s. I may actually be “addicted” to it, as Cameron is fond of saying. But the much-hyped personal assistant feature, Siri, with whom Apple says I should be able to hold a conversation, fails to impress me. Siri and I are not simpatico. In fact, I think the bitch has it out for me.

I took Justin and Alex to Harold and the Purple Crayon at the Minneapolis Children’s Theatre this afternoon. I know my way back from Minneapolis, but the area is full of one-way streets and the path back to the freeway is tricky. So I decided to ask Siri to throw together a quick map so I could make sure I took the correct roads. Here was our actual conversation.

Siri, you ignorant slut. (Thanks to J.J. for that one.)

Me: “I need directions from my current location to Powers Boulevard.”
Siri: “I am unable to locate Howard Bowl Park in Minneapolis.”
Me: “I need directions from my current location to Pow-ERS BOOL-eh-VARD.”
Siri: “I am unable to locate Powers Boulevard in Minneapolis.”
Me: ” I need directions from my current location to Powers Boulevard in Chanhassen.”
Siri: “I cannot locate Powers Boulevard in Minneapolis.”
Me (to myself): “I SAID CHANHASSEN!”
Me (to Siri): “Post ‘Siri is stupid’ to Facebook.”
Siri: “I am unable to locate Facebook in Minneapolis.”
Me: “You are completely worthless.”
Justin: “Mom, who are you talkin’ to?”
Me: “Directions from current location to 35W.”
Siri: “Here are directions to County Road 30. I’m not sure if that’s what you are looking for, though.”
Me: “Directions from current location to INTER-state thirty-FIVE DUH-BULL-YOU.”
Siri: “I could not find Interstate 30 in Minneapolis.”
Me: “Siri, you are an idiot.”
Siri: “Now, now.”
Me: “Siri, you’re retarded.”
Siri: “I respect you.”

I decided to end the conversation there before we both ended up saying something we’d regret.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2012

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