Most Sickening Baby E-Mail Of All Time

In an earlier post entitled STFU, ParentsI wrote about my fondness for the blog of the same name. It’s gone from a fondness to an outright obsession. I get sucked in to reading archived material, and just can’t stop both laughing, and shaking my head in astonishment at how self-centered and warped people are. The thing is, obviously not all parents are like this. These are likely the same narcissistic people who have probably always been similarly insufferable, but now their focus is on parenting.

One of the benefits of having an old e-mail account that I only now use for online shopping because it’s so overrun with spam, is that I haven’t cleaned anything out of it for years. Many of the submissions on the STFU blog reminded me of some e-mails from a high school friend of a friend that were forwarded to me back in 2006, which was pre-Facebook for most people. Ah, the good old days when to really annoy people you had to send out a blast e-mail to everyone you knew. I remember shuddering when I read these back then, and I still do now.

If you can get through the entire thing, with the bad grammar, typos, poor formatting, baby talk, and mind-numbing dullness of it, then I applaud you. Honestly, I don’t know what’s more nauseating, this, or the freaky pictures of placentas posted by crunchy, WAY oversharing moms. As my friend wrote at the time, “Barf barf barf barf. Barfbarfbarfbarf. And oh yeah, BARF.”

Date: Saturday, 4 Nov 2006
Subject: Jacob update from Brock
Well Hello!
Brock here, I know its been a weally long time but I’m almost three and I cant be tied down with writing and stuff, but Mommy says I have to so here goes.
So much has been happening this year, we started off with Mommy told me she had a baby in her belly, at first it just freaked me out, I’m a baby do I have to go in her belly too?? What’s that all about, then she got weally BIG BELLY, and it would move when I talked to it, turns out that little guy could hear me in there! Go Figure!
So I would talk to him and give her belly three kisses every day and it worked that baby popped out like a cork on 8-21-06, POP! OOOO I wish I could have been there I did not like waking up and Mommy and Daddy weren’t here! But Grandpa John and Grampy Wayne were and they took good care of me! I got to go to the hospital to see her and that little man that made mommy kinda , oh heck who am I kidding ALOT cranky!  She weally hated the summer heat! I gotta tell ya I loved that little dude I call him Jakey or Mr. Man, he’s so cute, at first I thought I didn’t want a brother, BUT I weally like him! He was a big baby 8lbs 12oz and 20 1/4 inches. We brought him home and I get to be mommy’s big helper which I’m so good at cause IM DE MAN!  Now there was this one thing he did that weally freaked me out and I confronted mommy on it, I walked out hands on hip ( that weally gets her attention) And I said “Hey Mommy what the hell is Jacob eating your booby for?” She laughed till she cried and then finally told me that he gets his milk that way……… Hmmm so mommy is like a cow? I don’t know about that , Its very strange! And let me tell you that kid can eat, he eats so much he’s getting too big for all the new clothes he has! Mommy starting him on formula after two weeks cause she didn’t like that whole booby eating thing and I’m glad that just didn’t seem write, cause at the rate he ate I would think he’d eat them right off her body! So this formula is sooooo gross, yep I tasted it, hey don’t judge I may be close to genius but I’m two! It made me cry and I wanted to puke but didn’t and now I just help give the bottle to Jakey, not sample it……..YUCK!
Well, the little chow hound ( grandma Mae calls him that) weighed in at 12lbs 12oz at 4wks old! Boy at the rate he’s going he will out weigh me in few months! And he is already 23 1/4 in. Mommy is so bummed cause she keeps saying he grew out of his clothes, which I don’t get cause he is always in clothes……. You big people weally have a way with words!
Well, my lil brother is doing great he coos and smiles all the time and I think he is so cute and of course he smiles at me all the time, and Grandma is spoiling him just like she did me , but I’m not thrilled about that I feel she should only hold me, but she says I have to share her ( that’s a drag) but she does say I’m still her big boy, so I guess I spoiled too, but I still want to be the ONLY one! I’m weally excited cause Grandma is moving in with us cause they sold there house and I get to see her everyday! WOO HOO we are going to have so much fun and JACOB will be so happy too cause he already knows her, he’s pretty smart already. He sleeps alot he’s a way better sleeper than me , I don’t know how he can sleep so much there is so much to do and see, I cant be bothered with sleep! He already rolls over from his tummy to his back and Mommy says that is weally great, HUH that’s no big accomplishment in my book, I can do that with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back, whoopty do!
Whatever, mommy says I’m great too, cause I know the 50 states on the map ( its so easy) the oceans, Canada  Mexico, and about 25 state flags and the 5 great lakes, Mommy says if Me and Jake keep getting smarter shell have to go to school to keep up with us! hahahahahaha! That would be funny!
Oh yeah we went trick and treating for Halloween, what a great holiday, you ring a bell in costume and get candy from strangers! Where in the world did they come up with this?? Yeah mommy says never take candy from strangers, but on Halloween its ok……..hmmmm Its very confusing to us little guys, but we play along  cause we get candy! I was Pooh and Jake was a lil cow! Huh how fitting he came out eating a booby and getting milk from it, then grew to be BIG and mommy had him go as a cow! hahahahaha ! AMAZING
Well that’s it for now, I’m soooo tired and I want to watch Backyardigans and Jake wants ANOTHER bottle! GEEZ that kid eats alot! We will write again around Christmas!
OOOH Santa and toys my kind of holiday!
Take Care
Brock and Jakey ( who am I kidding that kid cant type he just eats and poops and sleeps and poops and crys and poops and smiles and poops!)


© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2012


5 thoughts on “Most Sickening Baby E-Mail Of All Time

  1. I couldn’t make it through two paragraphs, and now I must commit a murder. Thanks for that, Jen. You’re paying my mortgage while I’m on death row– and beyond.

    • Nah, I’m sure there’s a government program that will take care of that for you. I’m glad you didn’t read further, because if you’d gotten to the “eating Mommy’s booby” part, you’d probably end up picking people off from the top of a bell tower.

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