GQ They Are Not

It’s possible that I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m revisiting the topic of the sorry state of my kids’ attire, and reiterating that I assume no responsibility for what they look like when they leave the house.

Who are these Gap Kids who wear perfectly coordinated and accessorized outfits? Do they exist in real life? Or are they just fantasized photo shoots like Victoria's Secret models who are always wearing matching bras, underwear, and nighties?

Now that David is in middle school, he usually has it together, though he tends to have a weekly rotation of the same tee-shirts and athletic pants. At least they’re clean.

Initially Cameron wanted to go to school today in the same green Shaun White tee-shirt that he slept in. I nixed that. He was surprised that I busted him. He apparently thinks I don’t pay attention to anything. In retrospect, maybe I should have just let him wear that shirt. Because he went to school wearing basketball shorts, and a long-sleeved teal tee-shirt with a hand-me-down copper-colored LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers basketball jersey over it, and a Minnesota Twins cap. And he refused to wear a sweatshirt, though it was 40 degrees out.

Justin refuses to wear jeans, but nearly every pair of wind pants or elastic waisted pants that he owns has a massive tear in the knee. I almost had him in a pair of jeans, but he wouldn’t go for it because it took him more than a millisecond to get them snapped. So he picked out a pair of ripped black athletic pants, a moss green Shaun White long-sleeved shirt (Shaun White for Target is big in our house) with a picture of multi-colored skateboards stuck in a tree on the front of it. He is extremely picky about socks and will only wear very thin ones that come up above his ankles. He ditched the first pair because they “felt weird,” and got all defiant and put on one red-footed tube sock, and one that was turquoise with white and green polka dots (which is actually a girls sock, but he doesn’t know that, because I can’t find any boys socks that are of the texture he demands). What. Ever.

Alex prefers to stay in his pajamas alá Hugh Hefner all day long. Usually they are mismatched. Orange and gray lions and elephants for bottoms, navy blue and red Pixar Cars top, for example. He doesn’t get dressed until I give him an ultimatum that I will leave the house without him, or if one of the neighbor girls is outside playing and he doesn’t want them to see him in his pajamas. And he only wears shoes when absolutely necessary. Typically he roams the neighborhood in sock feet.

Of course I think their father left for the office this morning in casual Friday jeans that have a tear in the knee. Excellent role model.

Their poor wives are going to have their work cut out for them.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2012

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