Halloween Horror Show

I’m kind of seriously saddened by the conspicuous absence of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in my kids’ Halloween candy bags. Given that David and Cameron probably pulled in nearly ten pounds each, it’s disappointing to say the least. Kit Kats are a decent alternative, and in abundant supply, but it’s just not the same.

As I was going through everyone’s stash (Um, not to check for razor blades or mysterious white powder or anything like that, but to scope out what I could take for myself. Remember when you could go have your candy x-rayed at the hospital? Why the paranoia? Did anyone ever actually find a needle in a Hershey bar?), I came across some odd items, and got to wondering, what kind of person purposely buys Now and Later candy to give out to trick-or-treaters? Obviously people who hate children. Or dentists, looking to drum up business.

Here are what, in my opinion, are the most offensive “treats” given out on All Hallow’s Eve. Some of my choices are controversial, but bear in mind, to paraphrase Dave Barry, just because Person A thinks Butterfingers taste like they are filled with nuclear waste, but Person B likes Butterfingers, it does not mean that Person B is wrong. It just means that Person B is an idiot.

  • Candy that rips the fillings right out of your molars. I’m talking to you, aforementioned Now and Later, Bit-O-Honey (which can be good if fresh and not stuck to wax paper, but that’s never the case), and Dots.
  • Pretzels, fruit snacks, snack crackers, granola bars. Kids want candy, not groceries.
  • Pencils, stickers, erasers. Come on, is this school or is this Halloween?
  • Almond Joy. Sorry Jill and Vanessa, but coconut and almonds? Throw in some mandarin oranges and you’re like halfway to a salad.
  • Fruit flavored Tootsie Rolls. What fresh hell is this? Besides, we all know they’re leftovers from the Fourth of July parade.
  • Peppermint candies. So you just grab a handful on your way out of a medium-priced family chain restaurant every time you dine out and then toss them into a scary bowl with a mechanical hand in it? Slow. Clap.
  • Raisins. You sick sociopaths are what is truly frightening about Halloween. Lighten up and stop pushing your organic granola agenda on the rest of us.
  • Pixy Stix. Want to mainline some sugar? Suck down some Pixy Stix. Why stop there? May as well just send my kid to a dark alley with an 8 ball and a Colt 45.
  • Hard candies. Let’s keep the Jolly Ranchers, Life Savers, root beer barrels, butterscotch discs and cinnamon candies where they belong, in the candy dish on Grandma’s coffee table.
  • Mini Tootsie Pops. What is the point here? “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” One, two…did you say something?
  • Jawbreakers. While you’re at it, just toss in some marbles, expired Tylenol, Chinese-made lead toys, and leaky batteries for that adorable two-year-old Snow White and three-year-old fuzzy lion to suck on? It’s okay, most parents these days know the Heimlich maneuver.

© Jennifer Alys Windholz, 2012


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